Breaking Through the Noise of Gentle Parenting: Benefits and Practices
A deep dive into the different parenting styles. How to nurture your child’s individuality with empathy to obtain a secure attachment style.
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Gentle parenting has quickly become the popular kid in the world of parenting. It’s all the buzz – especially on social media platforms. One minute you’re scrolling, watching an oddly satisfying baking video, and the next is a parent or therapist talking about gentle parenting. So, let’s get in the hype and talk about it. It’s popular for a reason, friend. 😉
Gentle parenting is an approach that prioritizes empathy, respect, and positive communication. This involves treating your child as an individual with unique needs and emotions.
Sometimes it’s easy for us to get lost in bossing our children around – after all, they don’t know about the world like we do. But, in caring for our children this much, we accidentally rob them of their individuality. Because, at the end of the day, they are their own people.
As a parenting copywriter and a mom of two little hyper kiddos, I’m constantly staying up-to-date on the latest parenting and childhood topics. I use my passion for writing, researching, and helping families by working with parenting and child development brands through effective marketing. Because I want to make families’ lives easier. With that in mind, I like to create resources I wish I had when I was going down the rabbit hole of research.
That’s why we’re diving extremely deep into gentle parenting.
Because of its name and growing popularity, people confuse it with other parenting styles – especially permissive. So let’s start by differentiating the various parenting styles and what they stand for.
The 4 Main Parenting Styles
Many parenting styles often get confused with others – understandably so, it’s a lot to know. But knowing the differences between these parenting styles is essential for your kiddo and you.
As parents, we sometimes unknowingly use the parenting style we were raised with or push back on it completely. Understanding the parenting styles will bring you closer to realizing which you were raised with and which is better for your child.
1. Permissive Parenting
This style is often confused with gentle parenting because of the word “gentle.” But permissive parenting is a parenting style where parents are not demanding. There are no boundaries or expectations. Instead, parents bribe their kids with gifts or things they love.
Parents in these situations have a hard time saying “no” to their children, so they try to avoid asserting authority and confrontation.[1] Because of this, there’s a lack of rules and structure and a lot of warmth and responsiveness in its place.
Warmth and affection are essential – children need it. But they also need boundaries and consequences for their actions. Without these, children can face negative effects from permissive parenting, like:
Lack of self-discipline – they may struggle to regulate their own behaviors and emotions.
Highly dependent on others – they may not know how to be responsible around the house, like doing laundry, dishes, mopping, etc.
Making decisions on their own – they may not seek advice or input from adults or even their parents since they’re not used to getting much of this from authority figures.
Becoming selfish and demanding – while these children usually have high confidence and self-esteem, they can also become demanding and selfish as they’re used to getting their way with little to no push-back.[1]
If you’ve realized this is your parenting style – no judgment here, friend. It’s not too late to start making positive changes. It’ll be challenging at first, but through challenge comes change!
You can slowly start shifting away from permissive parenting toward a more gentle parenting style that still ensures you have that warm environment while setting boundaries. So you can help them develop the skills and resilience they need to become responsible, caring adults.
2. Authoritarian Parenting
This parenting style is the complete opposite of permissive parenting. The authoritarian parenting style lacks warmth and support, has strict rules, and resorts to punishments for disobedience.
This parenting style sets extremely high expectations for the children where the parents are not responsive. If these expectations aren’t met, they’ll punish the child (often, corporal punishment). If the child asks their parents why, their reasoning is usually “Because I said so!”[2] This parenting style can negatively impact a child’s emotional and psychological development in many ways, including:
Low self-esteem – they may lack self-esteem because of the lack of positive reinforcement and emotional support in their lives.
Struggle with decision-making – they may not know how to make decisions or express themselves freely because they weren’t encouraged to develop these skills.
Experience fear and anxiety – they may develop a higher level of fear and anxiety than other children due to the constant punishments. This can result in them having fear and anxiety around their parents and adult figures.
Problems trusting others – they may struggle with trusting others and forming healthy relationships due to their fear and anxiety.
Face depression – a study showed that children were more likely to report having at least five or more depressive symptoms when experiencing authoritarian parenting.[3]
Become aggressive – they may become hostile or aggressive when constantly criticized for expressing their opinions or emotions. Anger becomes a way to cope with their frustrations.
Poor communication skills – they may not know how to communicate with authority figures or feel comfortable expressing themselves since they’re often encouraged not to.
If you’ve realized this is your parenting style (maybe even on some days when you’re emotionally spent), no judgment here, my friend. In fact, this might be your parenting style because it’s the one you grew up with.[4] You’re most likely modeling the behavior you grew up with to your children, spouses, and peers.
This means your children may start modeling this behavior to their peers and future children. Not to worry, you can make positive changes starting today. You can begin to encourage healthy communication with your child by giving them a safe space to voice their opinions and emotions. We’ll go over more ways to make a positive change in a bit. Hang tight, friend.
3. Neglectful Parenting
This parenting style is much different than the other parenting styles. Neglectful parenting is a style where parents fail to meet their child’s physical and emotional needs. This means that while the parents are physically present in a child’s life, they’re not emotionally available or engage in activities with their development.
This parenting style can also mean parents aren’t giving their child the appropriate shelter, food, medical care, and even education that’s needed. This can result in severe adverse effects, such as:
Emotional struggles – these children may struggle with low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. This makes it difficult for them to forge healthy relationships with peers and everyone around them.
Behavioral issues – they may get aggressive, hyperactive, and disobedient regularly because of the lack of boundaries, affection, and positive reinforcements.
Poor academic performance – they may lack any motivation to succeed in school due to their parental figures’ lack of encouragement and emotional support. They can struggle academically if they’re neglected the proper educational resources, like books and developmental toys.
Problems with their health – these children often suffer from malnutrition, poor hygiene, and untreated conditions. They’ll also suffer from trauma that affects their emotional and psychological well-being with their future spouse, children, and peers.
Friend, if this is your parenting style, I want you to know that it’s never too late to turn this around and make positive changes. Maybe you’re facing mental health issues, financial problems, or even addiction. Perhaps you’re overwhelmed, overstimulated, overworked, and unsure you’re cut out to be a parent. But guess what?
You don’t have to be perfect – your child just wants your attention, affection, and you. Sometimes, neglectful parents aren’t intentional and have no clue they’re causing harm to their children. That’s why we’re going over gentle parenting practices so you can make changes where you see fit.
And remember, your emotional, mental, and physical health is extremely important too. Take care of yourself so you can be the best version you know you can be.
4. Authoritative Parenting
The authoritative parenting style combines positive reinforcements, warmth, sensitivity, reasoning, and boundaries. Authoritative parents avoid resorting to punishments and threats. In this style, parents are constantly engaged with their child providing emotional support and much structure.
An authoritative parent will set clear boundaries, expectations, and rules. But they still let their child know there’s an open space that’s safe to communicate their opinions and concerns. A child with an authoritative parent will show up as:
Confident and resilient – they grow up knowing their opinions are valued and they have space to take up in the world. Knowing their feelings are acknowledged and validated helps them confidently navigate challenges and setbacks.
High academic achievement – children with this parenting style have better academic performance. This is because they feel motivated, encouraged, and often offered resources from their supportive parents.[5]
Having healthy social relationships – they’re able to form meaningful connections with effective communication. This helps them grow a close relationship with their parents and excel in building positive relationships with peers and other authority figures.[6]
Great decision-makers – they make informed decisions by weighing their options and evaluating the consequences. This also empowers them to navigate their own choices independently as they grow.
There are so many positive aspects to authoritative parenting. It’s actually the most adored parenting style. But, like with any parenting style, there could still be some negative consequences or challenges.
Some children may feel like there are too many high expectations. In this case, make sure your kiddo knows they have a safe space with you to talk about anything. As long as you remember, authoritative parenting is the smoothest blend between guidance and autonomy.
Now that we’ve gone over the main parenting styles let’s get into the craze of gentle parenting. And why so many parents are choosing to gentle parent.
Deep Dive Into Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting is very similar to authoritative parenting because it creates an open and respectful space between parents and children. Parents focus on understanding and communication so the child knows their parent has their back. With this style, you’ll guide them through positive reinforcement and modeling while communicating with them respectfully.
Gentle parenting focuses on four main elements:
Empathy – Validating their emotions and explaining their consequences (even in punishment) while considering their perspective.
Understanding – Actively listening to their feelings and concerns, asking open-ended questions to allow them to share more, and responding with reflective statements to show you understand their emotions.
Boundaries – Staying consistent with boundaries set, redirecting behavior to explain your answer and guide them towards an alternative, and allowing natural consequences to happen so they understand the rules.
Respect – Being fully present to show you prioritize and value your time together, allowing them to make age-appropriate choices, respecting their boundaries to model it for them, and acknowledging your mistakes to show accountability.
Now that we’ve established the main elements of gentle parenting let’s dive into the benefits. Here are some of the benefits of gentle parenting:
Healthy emotional development
A strong parent-child relationship and bond
Improved self-regulation, problem-solving, and behavioral skills
More independence and confidence
Healthy communication skills and respect for others
Increased self-esteem, empathy, and compassion for others
Resilient with a healthy dose of self-expression
Gentle parenting has many benefits, but they’re not all one-size-fits-all. Your child is unique and may only experience some benefits. They may even experience benefits that aren’t included in the list.
While this sounds incredibly beneficial, as a parent, it can be hard to provide that to our children. Sometimes we’re overwhelmed, tired, and dealing with the trauma from the parenting style we were raised with.
So if you find yourself struggling to provide this, I want you to remember something: We are only human – we aren’t perfect, nor do we have to be. We just have to be present and transparent.
Let’s go over some gentle parenting practices. You may even find out you’re already doing some of these.
Gentle Parenting Practices (With Examples)
The four elements from above are great gentle practices, but there are more you can touch base on. Parenting is challenging – and that’s an understatement. It has twists and turns like a teacup ride – sometimes making us a little too nauseous and ready to get off the ride.
So before we get off the ride, let’s see how we can navigate those twists and turns to be more beneficial and less nauseating.
“I’m all ears” approach: When your child feels strong emotions, is simply storytelling, or needs to vent, try actively listening. Put down anything that has your attention and focus on your kiddo. Getting to their eye level also helps remind them you’re not an authoritative figure but someone who genuinely cares and wants to know more.
Don’t try to quickly solve the problem either – this is the time to listen. When they’re done talking, validate their feelings, let them know you understand why they feel that way, and then ask if they’d like to find a solution.
“Connection before correction” approach: A more empathetic response helps your child understand their feelings are valid and worthy of attention. It’s centered around you building an emotional toolkit and handing it to them to understand emotions and how to communicate effectively.
Imagine your kid is holding their ice cream poorly, and you keep reminding them to hold it better. But a few minutes later, the ice cream you paid $8 for just fell nearly whole to the ground. Instead of letting out a loud sigh and telling them, “Told you so!” You can say, “Oh no, your ice cream fell. It’s okay to feel sad about it. How about we get home, clean up, and have a treat together? Next time, we have to try to be more careful with how we hold it.”
“We’re in this together” approach: Time-outs are a thing of the past. More and more parents are switching over to time-ins. This is essentially the same thing, with one key component that makes it all the different. In time-ins, you’re there with them, being their anchor.
If your little one feels massive emotions (hello, tantrums!), don’t just tell them to sit by themselves until they’ve calmed down. They’re not sure how to calm down on their own – and most times, they’re not even sure they know what they’re feeling. With time-ins, you’re there with them, helping them breathe and reminding them you’ve got their back, no matter what feelings they’re experiencing. You also help them pinpoint those feelings.
“Adios harsh punishments, hello learning moments” approach: This can be controversial. And I do believe that there are moments for punishments like time-ins (rather than time-outs).
This overall approach is about taking a step back before flipping out and calmly redirecting them. So if your kiddo drew on the wall for the friggin’ fifth time this month, instead of yelling, take a few deep breaths. Have them clean up their mess and explain why we stick to paper, not walls. Then redirect their creativity to paper.
“Getting into the ‘Why’ of it” approach: Setting boundaries is essential in any relationship. While you don’t want to overdo it with boundaries, you still want to make sure there are some – or else your house will become a warzone.
So if your kiddo wants to stay up late past their bedtime, instead of yelling at them or telling them, “I don’t wanna hear it, it’s time for bed, and you know it.” (I’ve been there before, so no judgment here, friend.) You can say, “You need your sleep because it helps you recharge. If you don’t recharge, you won’t have any energy for tomorrow.”
If you’ve realized you’re already doing some of these, congratulations, you’re already breaking generational curses. But if you’ve discovered you’ve been doing the opposite, I want you to know it’s okay. You can still break generational curses and become a gentler parent. It’s tough work, but it can be done. If I could make the change, I know you can too, friend.
Gentle parenting usually leads to your child having a secure attachment style. A secure attachment means your child has better emotional regulation, higher self-esteem, and stronger social skills.[7] This means they’re able to trust you and feel safe with you, leading to a more intimate relationship with your child.
Nurture Your Child-Parent Relationship One Step at a Time
While understanding parenting styles is crucial, it’s even more important to understand what your child needs at the moment.
“In reality, parenting works best if you mix styles. Kindness and firmness are not oil and water – they can go together.”[8]
– Dr. Mona Delhooke, Child Psychologist
So if you find that the perfect mix for your family is gentle with a healthy dose of authoritative, that’s just fine! Parenting your child more gently and ensuring they have a secure attachment style may also heal your inner child at the same time.
You’ve got this, friend. And if you ever catch yourself getting overstimulated and give into it – don’t be hard on yourself. We’re only human. Own up to your actions and apologize to your little one. This transparency helps them realize you aren’t perfect. This’ll come in handy once they’re pre-teens. 😉 But more on that another time – I’ve already taken up enough of your time today.
Know someone who’ll benefit from this gentle parenting blog? Feel free to share it. We’re all on this parenting journey together.
Have a parenting or child development business and are interested in getting similar blogs? No problem, reach out to me today to see if we’re a good fit.
Resources:
1. Permissive Parenting Style – Michigan State University
3. Authoritarian Parenting and Youth Depression: Results from a national study
4. Authoritarian Parenting Style – Michigan State University
5. Authoritative Parenting Stimulates Academic Achievement – National Library of Medicine
6. Authoritative Parenting Style – Michigan State University
7. Attachment and the Transmission of Values – American Psychological Association
